Imperfect

It is late night now. But I am still awake. Lots of stuff playing non-stop in my mind.

Thanks for those who pamper me and contribute non-stop, but sometimes i just feel so sorry and guilty to accept any offer. Please stop treating me so nice. Everytime when I accept the offer, is seems like I am giving hopes and chances. I am trying so hard to be independent, but due to the lost of my license, I couldn't drive. And here I accept some of the offers of help. Really appreciate it so much, but in the other hand, I am afraid that it seems like a hope to them. So I would rather to accept offers from those who treat me merely as decent friends. Really sorry.

I am an imperfect one. Having low-esteem, and a big phobia too! No confident in fact, deep in my heart. Guys are always being superficial. I hate it. I feel insecure. Why is that so important? But is fine, even for me, I am a perfectionist and trying hard to be the perfect one too. So I have no right to comment or alter other's perception.

Loitering. Afraid to stop at any station, because of the strong insecure feeling! Every station seems to be so superficial. Want to be pampered, but I want it from the real heart, not just from the surface.

Until recently, I get to hear something that I was dying for so long. The words from his mouth just make me feel so secure! I was really shocked! I never ask for it, but I just don't know why suddenly he could just story me all those nonsense. I was showing my madness and angriness, but in fact I mind it a lot and appreciate it. Thou I am touch, but I just showed my disregards towards him.

Am I into someone now? I don't know. Just keep this to myself, as sometimes it is just a fault feeling. A feeling of secure cannot proof anything. Just hold and wait, as I don't want to make any mistakes as last time. Time can proof everything.

Yesterday was the Valentine day of the Chinese. He shared to me that his colleagues told him, if one propose on that day, the one would definitely success. He then add on with he don't believe it, because he knew I won't be accepting his proposal. Haha! Silly one. I replied him not to think to much and ask him to rest early.

I don't hope any decision I had made will be another big mistake again.

Mummy is being super realistic now. Only rich one can bring happiness and blissfulness, this is what she think. Keep sharing me those evidences around her. Stating that I am a SUPER HOT-TEMPERED one, should just get someone who got no temper to get along with me, and a RICH one too! Sigh. She mentioned about future, next generation's education, luxury lifestyle and everything. After marriage there will only commitment left, and no longer stay lovely. Money would be the main concern for everything.

I agree partially. That is the reason I am working super hard now. Which ladies are not into any Gucci, LV or Channel? I am so dying to have one Gucci too! but for me to dump the money into branded stuff, I just felt a bit unworthy about it, unless I am capable to. Who don't want a luxury lifestyle as in having an own big room and a nice house? I am dying to have it too! But is it the another rest of my life have become a trade to get all those things? Will he stay loyal to me if the "he" is a rich one? Will I be happy?

Just watched the HK movie: "Beauty Knows No Pain". Guys are all unreliable, just like what have instilled into my mind since young. For ladies, to get what we want, we work super hard to fulfill our dreams. But end up? We lose the love one. Life is just never be fair, it will never balance between love and career.

True Love or Luxury Life with a trade? Is still a question. Mummy, why can't you just weight your daughter? Who do you think she is? She is still not qualified to ask for anything. Super Model? Tan Sri's daughter? Beauty Pageant? Sigh.

I will not be the decision maker, as she is the one who sign the approval. Somehow I still don't feel too start a relationship now. So stick to my current position would be the right choice. Right? =/ I think so....

Please don't treat me that nice, as I don't deserve it. Thanks for everything and appreciate it. I am just so sorry. Thousands of Apologies..


Nite :(